“We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born.” – Charlie Chaplain
As a “Peacemaker” on the Enneagram Personality scale, I’ve lived most of my life by the unspoken mantra, “peace at any price.” If I thought expressing my feelings would make someone upset or rock the boat, I kept them to myself. If I thought what I had to say could be construed as nagging or argumentative, I said nothing.
You know that old saying, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” That was me. I’m not saying I never said anything bad, never blew my stack or got angry. On the contrary, I’m the master at bottling up my emotions so long they erupt like Mt. Vesuvius.
Besides blowing up in odd moments when the last straw is added to the camel’s back, there are other problems associated with the peace at any price operating system:
1) You lose touch with your feelings.
If you push down your emotions long enough, eventually you’ll have trouble articulating what you’re feeling. For me, I stopped trusting my heart and what it was telling me about my relationships. One of my favorite books is Karol Truman’s Feelings Buried Alive Never Die
2) You train people to treat you disrespectfully.
Because you don’t tell people how you feel as you go along, your silence tells them it’s okay to treat you however they feel like treating you. You’re, in essence, rewarding their disrespect. If you want people to use and manipulate you, then keep on bottling up your feelings and don’t let others know how their negative behavior is affecting you.
I’ve spent years
- carrying loads other people should have shared,
- feeling guilt I had no need to feel,
- taking on everyone else’s responsibilities
because I was too afraid to speak up! I’d rather do the work myself than risk the drama that could go along with demanding others do their part. I really can’t blame the people in my life because I never told them that I didn’t like things that way!
Recently, all of this came to a head for me and it became crystal clear what I was doing — how my “peace at any price” led to communication problems in my relationships and workaholism in my life.
Once I stepped back and saw my behavior patterns for what they were, I was done — no more playing that game. Things had to change, and they did. It was a very difficult period of my life, but I made it through the other side — largely thanks to a phenomenal energy healer, Rhonda Hess. Rhonda help me identify and eliminate the insecurities, fears, false beliefs, and destructive patterns that brought me to this point. Now, I’m done!
- I’m done playing small in my relationships
- I’m done letting other people use me.
- I’m done carrying other people’s burdens and responsibilities.
- I’m done letting others deflect their guilt onto me.
- I’m done believing other people’s stinging words.
- I’m done letting other people treat me with disrespect.
- I’m done suppressing my thoughts and feelings for fear they will make someone else upset.
- I’m done with “peace at any price.”
In practical action steps, my relationships are changing. For example, my husband and I are communicating each evening about what went right that day and expressing gratitude to each other. We’re also opening up about what went wrong and where there’s need for improvement. We’re just saying it and not worrying about whether how we’re saying it is going to hurt the other person’s feelings.
I’ve also become more aware in the moment. For example, I’m realizing when I could use help and asking for it. If something bothers me, I’m speaking up right then instead of bottling it up for an eruption six months later.
I’m learning that a daily, consistent effort to communicate thoughts and feelings — whether they are negative or positive makes a dramatic difference. It actually increases love and unity — which is what I wanted all along, but misguidedly thought I had to keep my mouth shut to attain.
Best of all I feel like I’ve been set free to be me. A few years back I wrote a book entitled: “You Can’t Fly If You’re Still Clutching the Dirt: How to Stop Worrying and Achieve Your God-Given Potential
If you’re like me and you have a tendency to bottle up your feelings and take on other people’s responsibilities to “keep the peace” then I have some affirmations that may help you. These are a few of the ones Rhonda Hess gave me, but they’re only the tip of the iceberg in how she helped me. I highly recommend a session with her. I never could have made it through this in a matter of 2-3 weeks without her help. She was a God-send.
- I am totally comfortable in being me in my relationships.
- I am supported and appreciated by my spouse (significant other)
- I trust God will take care of the details.
- I am living in the energy of joy.
- I take in life fully.
- I am peaceful and balanced.
- I am clear.
- I am free of family beliefs that limit my truth.
- I have unlimited possibilities in myself and who I am.
- I’m clearly open to direction in my life.
- I trust my heart.
- I’m clearly connected to my self-worth.
- I’m connected to my heart and to God.
- I believe in me.
- I let go of the struggle.
- I free myself from patterns that do not serve me.
- I’m worthy and deserving.
- Everyone around me loves and supports me.
- I believe in who I am.
- I feel more secure with myself every day.
- I am emotionally strong and well-balanced.
- I am at ease with myself and others around me.
- I have patience with myself and others around me.
- I am a secure, empowered, beautiful woman.
- I let go of all negativity that rests in my body and mind.
- I have the strength to remain calm in the face of my change that is starting today.
- I set healthy boundaries. I have the courage to set and maintain these boundaries.
- I give myself permission to move forward in my life in a positive direction.
- I’m through playing small in my relationships.
- I let go of fear of confrontation with others.
- I let go of guilt.
- It’s safe for me to live my life my way.
- I am successful in all areas of my life.
- I am worthy and deserving to feel great.
- I can have confrontation without bringing in negative emotions.
- I stand up for myself and speak with divine clarity.
About Marnie Pehrson Kuhns
Marnie Pehrson Kuhns is a Certified SimplyAlign Practitioner™ who uses music and creativity to mentor you past barriers, fears and doubts to discover, create, align with, and deliver your soul’s song (the mission, message or purpose you are on this earth to live). Marnie is a best-selling author with 31 fiction and nonfiction titles. If you'd like Marnie and her husband Dave to work with you personally on Your Great Reinvention, get a FREE 20-minute strategy session with Marnie here.
- More Posts(415)