self sacrifice - ayn rand

Thrive Again: Recognize Whether You’re Being Used

In relationships, there are often those who feel entitled (USERS) and those who are so kind-hearted they have no clear boundaries and don’t know how to say “no.”

People who are lazy and feel the world owes them something tend to select relationship partners who are kind-hearted, hard-working, giving and boundary-less (OVER-PRODUCERS). In the end, the USER becomes helplessly enabled and the OVER-PRODUCER ends up used, crushed, and depleted.

Should an Over-Producer decide to break free of the abusive dynamic, the User will employ a variety of manipulative tactics — including guilt tripping the person they’re sucking dry, lying, shifting blame, making excuses, deflecting people’s focus off of them, and even violence (click here to learn more about their manipulative tactics).

What’s True for Individuals Is True of Nations

atlas shruggedThe same dynamic is going on at a national and global level. The Users are draining the Over-Producers dry. And if anyone dares say the Over-Producers are being used and should set boundaries that protect them from abuse, then the Users call them names, accuse them of phobias, racism, cruelty and a myriad of other “politically incorrect” vices.

Let’s face it, no tick wants to be removed from its host. It will always burrow in deeper when threatened with removal.

The sad part is when other kind-hearted (yet naive) Over-Producers haven’t awakened to the fact that they’re being used, and fight their fellow producers.

One of my favorite books on this subject is Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged. It’s definitely worth the read if you struggle with being an Over-Producer. It changed my life, awakened me to how I was enabling others, and reading it was the first step to my recovery.

“If you saw Atlas, the giant who holds the world on his shoulders, if you saw that he stood, blood running down his chest, his knees buckling, his arms trembling but still trying to hold the world aloft with the last of his strength, and the greater his effort the heavier the world bore down upon his shoulders – What would you tell him?”

I…don’t know. What…could he do? What would you tell him?”

To shrug.”

Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged.

It’s time for America to Shrug! Is it time for you to shrug too?

 

About Marnie Marcus

Marnie (Pehrson) Marcus is a best-selling author and marketing and social media consultant specializing in digital content creation and Facebook Ad Management. Get a FREE 20-minute strategy session with Marnie here.

if you could live your life over would you change anything

Would You Change Anything?

This morning I found a new song by Sara Bareilles. I often feel like Sara has written the soundtrack to my life. This song is no different, “She Used to Be Mine” may not feel like exactly where I am now, but I think it’s a great snapshot of some points along my path. Especially, in those times where I screwed up royally and longed for the girl or woman I used to be.

I’ve listened to this song several times today and had a conversation with my mom about it. (Love, my angel Mama, by the way.)

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if you could live your life over would you change anythingWe’ve mused about whether we’d change things in our lives. Would we rewrite some endings for the girls we used to be?

Problem is, the big things that I’d want to change are like threads in a tapestry that gets mutilated when I extract them.

Remove my first marriage, and I might not have the children I have. Remove the crazy, stupid love-turned-to-heartbreak, and I wouldn’t have key wisdom and perspective that helped me fully appreciate and value the man who’s sharing the second half of my life.

The only thing I might change is I’d wait until I was older to marry. At 19, I didn’t even know who I was. My brain wasn’t even fully developed! I had no experience with men or love or hormones. I didn’t know that hormones could make you see people through a completely unrealistic lens. I didn’t know how much hormones distorted perceptions. I didn’t fully learn that lesson until I was 48 and single again.

Maybe if I’d taken my time when I was young, I would have matured and had enough experience to choose wisely. Then again, there’s the kids and my new hubby who loves me like I’ve never known love, and I think the price was worth paying.

Yet, there are plenty of small moments I’d like to change…

  • I would have spent more time enjoying my children.
  • Would have worried less over making money and relaxed and spent more time with my kids in their early years.
  • I would have handled some situations differently when my kids were struggling.

I think I could safely do those things without disturbing the timeline too incredibly much.

What about you? If you had your life to do over, would you change anything? And if you would, could you handle the ripples?

About Marnie Marcus

Marnie (Pehrson) Marcus is a best-selling author and marketing and social media consultant specializing in digital content creation and Facebook Ad Management. Get a FREE 20-minute strategy session with Marnie here.

marnie and chris dancing

Quest for Love: Discovering Greatness

My friend Anastasia Montejano has a question she’s fond of asking me whenever I’ve been through something difficult or come to a place of resolution and breakthrough. That question is, “What have you learned from this?”

She asked me that question yesterday, “What have you learned this year?” What a loaded question! A lot of what I’ve learned I’ve been sharing in my Quest for Love series of blog entries. But my answer to her question yesterday was a little different than she or I anticipated.

“I’ve learned what makes greatness.”

I could hear the surprise in her voice. “Really? Just that?” she chuckled. “And what have you learned?”

First I’ve learned what greatness is not. It’s not glitz and glamor. It’s not in the sensationalism or the show. It’s not about doing things to draw attention to yourself.

Greatness is in the small acts of day-to-day kindness, the genuine caring, and the big heart.

marnie and chris dancingIt’s like Jesus washing the disciples’ feet. Greatness is in showing other people you care in small, ordinary ways. It’s in making people feel they are important by the way you treat them.

I’ve also learned that a great relationship is built on these principles of kindness and compassion. While I certainly enjoy the chemistry and the passion my husband and I share, there is a deeper richness of connection than I’ve experienced before because our relationship is built on mutual trust, respect, admiration and genuine caring.

I do not know where this awareness of true greatness is taking me, but I feel that I am going to be traveling a much different road than I have before. I am at a time of endings and new beginnings, uncertain as to what will remain and what will depart.

chrislookingatmarnieBut one thing is steady and sure, and it all started by joining my life with a man who embodies greatness. I’m sure he doesn’t see himself this way. He probably sees himself as quite an ordinary man.

To me, he is a treasure trove of wisdom, resourcefulness, hard work and compassion. He’s a man with a Christ-like servant’s heart. He has the bravery of a lion and integrity as solid as The Rock of Gibraltar, all mixed together with fun and optimism.

I look forward to the adventure that awaits me with him by my side.

 

“But whosoever will be great among you, let him be your minister.”
– Jesus (Matthew 20:26)

 

About Marnie Marcus

Marnie (Pehrson) Marcus is a best-selling author and marketing and social media consultant specializing in digital content creation and Facebook Ad Management. Get a FREE 20-minute strategy session with Marnie here.

Chris and Marnie Marcus

Quest for Love: WOW Me!

As you may know, I was married Friday, September 4th to a wonderful man. You may have been following my story. If not, this link will take you to the beginning.

I want to share with you something significant I’ve observed from this personal journey and how it’s changing the way I think about my business and all aspects of my life.

Chris and Marnie MarcusI had gotten so frustrated with my romantic experiences, that I threw up my hands and said, “Lord, you pick. I obviously don’t know what is best for me. You pick the man you know would make me happy.”

I resigned myself to singledom and left it to God. The man God selected was Chris Marcus. In fact, God let me know Chris was a man who “would love me like I’d never been loved before.”

This answer came BEFORE my heart and mind fully got on board with the idea. It was TRUST in that confirmation from God that led me forward faster than I would have moved otherwise. I leapt because I trusted the inspired feeling that Chris and I could create an amazing love together.

On this side of the altar, I’ve got to tell you, I am in AWE of the fulfillment of God’s promise. It’s as if my Father in heaven made this man especially for me – in every way imaginable. The more I’m with Chris, the more I see the wisdom and wonder in God’s selection.

I never, ever would have thought to ask for the beautiful, blissful things that this man has brought into my life. I had NO CLUE they were an option. I didn’t know men like Chris existed!

The entire experience has me pondering the question,

What else do you have in mind for me, Lord? Bring me the customers you feel would be most blessed by me and me by them. Bring me the projects and work You think would make me happiest. Maybe You have a better place for me to live? Bring it on. Maybe You have a better career path. I’m open to it. What else do You have in mind to bring me joy?”

What if my tenacity in hanging onto what IS or what I think SHOULD BE is getting in the way of the AMAZING things God wants to bring me?

I keep thinking of this verse:

Now unto him who is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, unto him be glory … by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21

I’m ready to get out of the way and let His power work in me. What do You have in mind to WOW me next, Father? All glory be to Thee!

About Marnie Marcus

Marnie (Pehrson) Marcus is a best-selling author and marketing and social media consultant specializing in digital content creation and Facebook Ad Management. Get a FREE 20-minute strategy session with Marnie here.

lead with what you believe

Quest for Love: Lead With What You Believe

As I mentioned in yesterday’s blog, I learned that first and foremost, I needed to be true to me. So, with greater resolve, I dusted myself off and tried the dating thing one more time.

I’d learned the hard way that shared core values are critical to a good relationship. So, I edited my online dating profiles to lead with what I believed. I prefaced the following statements by saying I was looking for a man who believes what I believe.

lead with what you believeI believe…

  1. In being actively engaged in a good cause & proactively doing my part to make the world a better place.
  2. In looking for the good, hoping for the best, & going for the ideal. Yes, you may fall flat. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, & keep going. There’s another try around the corner.
  3. That God loves us and that Jesus Christ is our merciful, loving Savior who will heal all our scars if we let Him. The only real mistake is letting go of Him.
  4. Honesty & integrity are vital. Relationships only work where there is trust.
  5. Anything is possible when you know what you want, why you want it, and are willing to commit to it and take inspired action.
  6. Work isn’t only necessary, but can also be beautiful, fun and rewarding.
  7. Physical intimacy should be reserved for marriage, & thoroughly enjoyed within it.
  8. People aren’t all good or all bad. When we look for the good & expect it in others, they tend to rise to the occasion. (They also tend to fall to our low expectations.)
  9. You get better results from praise and acknowledgement than nagging and negativity.
  10. We need less government, more personal responsibility, and with God’s help a better world.
  11. In letting other people be themselves. I thrive best around people who give me the space to be me, and I enjoy watching other people thrive too.
  12. In being kind, grateful, expressing acknowledgement & responsiveness.
  13. That true intimacy is built on love, caring, trust, respect, connection and commitment.

After a few weeks of dating Chris, he told me what stood out to him in my profile was #7. He said he saw that and knew he’d found a woman of value. He was tired of women who threw themselves at men. He was looking for a quality woman who shared his core values. He wanted “something real.”

What a refreshing change! Finally, a chivalrous man who honors womanhood, protects my virtue, and accepts me as I am. He is brave, honest, and genuine. What you see is what you get. What I see is someone who genuinely cares for people, is kind, friendly, makes the world a better place, and has a BIG heart. No wonder he stole my heart!

About Marnie Marcus

Marnie (Pehrson) Marcus is a best-selling author and marketing and social media consultant specializing in digital content creation and Facebook Ad Management. Get a FREE 20-minute strategy session with Marnie here.

love yourself first

Quest for Love: To Thine Own Self Be True

I hesitated to share this part of my story with you because it requires being more vulnerable than I wanted to be.

As this blog came to me in the night, I asked, “Really? You want me to share this? I don’t think I can do that.”

“Just write and see what comes,” came the reply.

Since you’re seeing it posted, it means writing it somehow allowed me to share the weakest point of my life with you in a way that I could stomach. So here goes…

Of all the men I dated, there was one who stole my heart instantly. We were drawn to each other like two mega-strong magnets. Within weeks we were talking marriage and a possible elopement. We connected on so many levels, and the chemistry was instant and intense.  I was convinced he was “my SAM.”

The only fly in the ointment was he was struggling with his faith. He hadn’t been to church in some time and didn’t know if he believed what we’d been taught anymore.

He said he still believed in God, just not all the rules. I’ve had friends, very good people, who have traveled that path. So I had compassion for him and felt he just needed some time to find his way.

With an immense amount of hormones and dopamine coursing through my veins I prayed about marrying this man and felt as if it was my choice and his. I pressed for a clearer answer and felt like I heard God say, “Love him back to me.”

I proceeded forward. The deeper we got into the relationship, the less clearly I could discern truth from error.

At one point, this man encountered a stressful challenge in his career. I observed that while under this level of stress, he was not a happy or positive person. It also became clear that not only was he questioning his religious beliefs, but also his entire faith in God hung by a thread.

Without his faith, his ability to gracefully cope with stress was minimal, and it began to adversely affect our relationship.

I had a choice to make. Did I proceed with someone who did not share my values, hoping he’d come around? Or did I walk away? I couldn’t bring myself to end the relationship. The magnet was just too strong. So I kept going forward, thinking I could somehow, “Love him back to God.”

Eventually, I came to a point where I questioned my own beliefs. Could I tweak my conscience to believe in an “anything goes, do-whatever-feels-good God?” It became clear if I were to continue a relationship with this man, I would have to choose that God.

My heart was splitting in two.

I was so crazy about this man that for two months I debated about whether the values and morals I’d been raised with were really necessary. I’m ashamed to admit I nearly abandoned my core fundamental values. Yet I believe everyone probably comes to a point where they have to consciously choose.

In the end, it was probably my children who saved me. I knew I had to stay strong for them.

I’m a big Star Trek fan, and there’s a scene from the First Contact movie that typifies my dilemma so well. Data (an android with no emotions) is kidnapped by the Borg Queen. She offers him a chance to have what he’s always wanted – the opportunity to feel human. She activates his emotion chip and implants human skin on his body. For the first time Data knows what it’s like to feel mortal, sensual even.

While the crew evacuates, Captain Picard stays behind to save his friend. In the process he too is captured by the Borg Queen.

In a touch-and-go moment, we wonder if Data has sold out to the Borg Queen by becoming her mate. He seems to be going along with her plan. At the last second, Data rescues the crew and releases Picard. After the rescue, Picard asks Data about the Borg Queen. Here’s the exchange:

Lieutenant Commander Data: [about the Borg Queen] She brought me closer to humanity than I ever thought possible. And for a time, I was tempted by her offer.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard: How long a time?

Lieutenant Commander Data: 0.68 seconds sir. For an android, that is nearly an eternity.

I could say the same thing about the man I dated as Data said about the Borg Queen. He brought me closer to my humanity, my emotions, and my desire for connectedness than I ever thought possible. And for a time, I was tempted by his offer.

It was only for a short time, but for me it felt like an eternity.

In the end, the choice became crystal clear. I could not keep straddling two worlds. I either had to choose this man and walk away from my values and morals. Or I could walk away from the man and choose to remain true to my integrity and to the God I’ve come to know and love.

God won. My integrity won, but not without battle scars inflicted on my heart and soul.

For a long time I felt like God betrayed me with his answer to, “Love him back to me.”  After much prayer and contemplation (without hormones and dopamine coursing through my veins), I have come to believe that answer was not from God. It was either my own imagination or came from another source.

I do not believe it’s my job to love anyone back to God. It’s God’s job to save, not mine. My role is simply to love.

The first person I must love is me. I need to love myself enough to hold to my own integrity. If I betray myself, I certainly cannot love another rightly. As my friend Judy Hansen says, “Be the love.” What another person chooses to do with that love is entirely up to them.

Through it all, I’m learning that Jesus Christ heals hearts. He wears His scars so I don’t have to suffer with mine.

This experience changed the way I selected men. I created and began listening to my affirmations about men and money after this. I also changed the way I crafted my online dating profile. I’ll share more about that tomorrow.

love yourself first

About Marnie Marcus

Marnie (Pehrson) Marcus is a best-selling author and marketing and social media consultant specializing in digital content creation and Facebook Ad Management. Get a FREE 20-minute strategy session with Marnie here.

avoid the temptation to put your own interpretation on visions, inspiration or insights

Quest for Love: Visions and Impressions

I work with a lot of visionaries, spiritually-adept teachers, consultants, speakers, coaches and other self-help professionals. I often say these folks are “hardwired for inspiration.” This is a great thing. They’re forward thinking, inspirational, innovative and positive for the most part. This makes my work fun.

Unfortunately, there are downsides to this spiritual, visionary intensity. Being a visionary myself, I’m learning a lot about the downsides to this spiritual strength. Over the next few blog entries, I’d like to share what I’m gleaning — mostly through experience as a single mom.

To say the world of online dating is a test of discernment would be an understatement! It’s been a great laboratory for learning to sift through inspiration, imagination, emotion, seeing patterns, and even chemicals in the brain.

Beware of Interpretations

Visionaries are hardwired for inspiration. Each of us have our own way of getting answers or receiving insight. Some of us have words or phrases come to us, others see things in our mind’s eye, others get a strong emotional sense about a situation, while others “just know.” Some people even receive inspiration through touching something, taste or smell. Experiencing a combination of these is common.

The interesting thing about visions, impressions or insights is that when we receive them, we have a tendency to interpret them through the lens of our current perceived reality. Most of the time events NEVER happen the way we see or imagine they will.

avoid the temptation to put your own interpretation on visions, inspiration or insightsToday’s tip for visionaries is to avoid the tendency to interpret what an insight means. Just document it. Journal, Journal, Journal! Then, let it go.

For example, when I was dating a man right after the divorce, I prayed about him and got the answer, “He is a man among men. You can’t go wrong with him.”  I interpreted this to mean he was the man I would marry.

The real interpretation was that this gentleman was “a man among men.” He was a very good man, a perfect gentleman. I could not have gone wrong with him morally. Also, going wrong with him would have been marrying him! He was the first to realize and admit that we were not a good match. He didn’t let us make a stupid mistake.

Since this experience, I’ve tried to be cautious about how I interpret an answer I perceive as coming from God. Even something that seems straight-forward doesn’t always mean what you think it does.

In my next posts, I talk about distinguishing inspiration from imagination. This post is part of a series. If you missed the others, you can start at the beginning here.

About Marnie Marcus

Marnie (Pehrson) Marcus is a best-selling author and marketing and social media consultant specializing in digital content creation and Facebook Ad Management. Get a FREE 20-minute strategy session with Marnie here.

11 Wedding Songs

Quest for Love: Wedding Songs

There’s one song I’ve wanted played at my wedding for several years. It totally fits with “knowing” God had someone for me, and it was just a matter of locating him. Funny, I searched the USA and he found me from 5 minutes away (working at my son’s middle school). :)

“A Thousand Years” – Christina Perri

This version is performed by Boyce Avenue. Love the male voice version of the song. I hope to have my nephew Jon sing it for us.

And here are a few more I’m collecting for the reception soundtrack.

First, the one we both can relate to…

“God Bless the Broken Road” – Rascal Flatts

Now for Chris’ pick …

You’ll Never Find Another Love Like Mine – Lou Rawls

And some more I love…

“Thinking Out Loud” – Ed Sheeran

“How Long Will I Love You” – Ellie Goulding


“All Of Me” – John Legend & Lindsey Stirling


“Never Gonna Be Alone” – Nickelback


“Marry Me” – Train


“When God Made You” – NewSong

Love the lyrics on this one. “I wonder what God was thinking when He created you. I wonder if He knew everything I would need because He made all my dreams come true. When God made you He must have been thinking about me.”


“This Kind of Love” – Josh Turner

I like this song because the kind of love I have with Chris is completely different than the kind I’ve felt before. I can also relate to having been burned by fleeting love until you’re not sure you can trust somebody with your heart again. Here’s a snippet of the lyrics:

Sometimes its hard
To let down your guard
And trust somebody with your heart
I know how
It feels when they walk out
And leave it in pieces on the ground

[Chorus]
Oh I’ve known that kind of love
You feel it for awhile and then its gone
But girl tonight
Holding you
I realize that I’ve never known
This kind of love

It’s deeper and stronger
And lasts a whole lot longer
It’s more than a word that people say


And my Mama’s pick. A wonderful oldie! :)


“Night and Day” – The Temptations

You can find all these songs and others on my Wedding Songs Playlist here.

About Marnie Marcus

Marnie (Pehrson) Marcus is a best-selling author and marketing and social media consultant specializing in digital content creation and Facebook Ad Management. Get a FREE 20-minute strategy session with Marnie here.

building relationships

Quest for Love: Dumb Dating Mistakes Women Make

This entry is the 7th in a series. To start at the beginning, go here.

Being single I’ve studied a few programs created by dating gurus. Most of them have one common theme. Women tend to be needy and over-deliver, over-invest, and over-expect. Before you argue with me, let me explain why there’s a lot of truth in this.

building relationshipsOne program I bought compared building a relationship to building a multi-story building.  The woman shouldn’t come in and build all the floors or even two floors to his one. You should build the floors together. Or if you build a floor, he needs to build a floor.

As a woman you should be contributing less than or no more than equal to the man’s investment.

There are lots of warnings about “neediness.’’ You don’t need to be texting him all the time, calling him, etc. Let him initiate those things.

Another guru suggests that women shouldn’t be hanging out on a guy’s Facebook wall liking and commenting on all his posts. Another says, if he backs off, you should back off. Most women go into panicky chase mode if a man backs away.

My dad gave me some interesting advice. It confused me thoroughly when he said it, but it proved incredibly true.

He said, “You need to not care. It’s when you don’t really care that a man wants you.”

I questioned him, “What? Not care? How do I do that? Just not care at all? And why would I want a man that I don’t care about?”

He added, “Well, care, but don’t care.”

“Gee, Daddy, what the heck does that mean?”

“I can’t explain it to you, but you’ll figure it out.”

I don’t know if I can explain this to you any better than my dad could, but I sure hope I can. If someone had really been able to explain it to me earlier, it would have helped immensely. In the end, I’m sure the timing was all for the best.

In every serious relationship I was in, I cared. I cared a lot. When you care a lot, you go overboard to do things that you think will please the man. It’s not that you’re lying or faking anything. You honestly don’t even know you’re doing it! You’re just genuinely enthralled with the person.

If he burped you’d want to store it in a jar. (Okay, maybe that’s a little overboard!) But you get my drift.

When you’re enamored, and especially when dopamine is coursing through your veins, everything the other person says or does is wonderful. You’re incredibly blind to red flags that tell you otherwise.

You aren’t your every-day, normal self. What happens is you start constructing that multi-story building, predominantly by yourself. Much of it is largely in your mind. It’s amazing how what goes on in your mind and emotions gets emitted to another person without you even saying a word. It’s a vibe.

You also do extra things to please him. You accommodate your schedule to spend time with him. You let some of your own interests go to the wayside.

Not until I went through a major breakup and didn’t trust my instincts, heart, or inspiration anymore, did I learn what it meant to “care, but not care.” I came to this place in two steps.

Step 1: Looking Myself in the Mirror

Immediately after the breakup, I started a new relationship. This man was instantly taken with me and started talking about how he wanted to marry me. He was smitten, and I could see he was very much like I’d been in other relationships. He was moving like a freight train, but I was still incredibly jaded. I remember thinking, “Poor thing, he’s on dopamine.”

This man was not needy, but he was determined. He was convinced I was the one for him. He reminded me SO much of myself. I thought, “Oh, man, no wonder I scared the crap out of those men I dated! No wonder they wouldn’t commit!”

When the other person is so driven and determined, you begin to feel like you want your own choice in the matter. You start slowing things down and telling the person you need some time and space.  Honestly, I wouldn’t call it needy. I’d call it feeling like you know what you want and by dang, you’re gonna have it.

Step 2: Being so Burned, I Couldn’t Care

I don’t recommend everyone learn how to “care but not care” the way I did. Honestly, I was incapable of caring. I was so jaded, I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t trust chemistry or hormones for sure. They’d betrayed me. I also didn’t trust my ability to receive inspiration, because I completely misinterpreted it when love-struck.

I had to get to the point where all I really wanted was someone to hang out with and go places. Marriage wasn’t even on my radar. I let any expectation of commitment go. I resolved to be myself, enjoy my life and never, ever let dopamine (the brain chemical released when you’re in a new relationship) rule my life.

I wrapped up my heart in a nice suit of armor, and I went out into the dating world simply for something to do. Once I did this, once I didn’t care anymore, that’s when the man came along who was ready to commit and choose me.

Because I didn’t care, I didn’t over invest. I was completely  myself. I was honest. I let him know my heart was guarded and that I needed some time to learn to trust my heart again.

He gave me some space. He made it very clear that I was the type of woman he’d been looking for, but he didn’t push. He wasn’t needy, and he wasn’t so determined that I felt pressured. It was the perfect balance.

I’ll be honest with you, I wasn’t sure I could even open my heart again. The thought occurred to me that I might be incapable of loving. But bit-by-bit, through a lot of prayer and energy therapy my heart began to trust again.

It was from this space of “caring, but not caring” that I found the man with whom I could create the love that I desired.

I don’t know if any of that makes sense, but I sure hope it helps someone. I hope it helps you find that space of “Caring, but not caring” without having to have your heart hammered to get there. It’s not the most pleasant route to travel.

About Marnie Marcus

Marnie (Pehrson) Marcus is a best-selling author and marketing and social media consultant specializing in digital content creation and Facebook Ad Management. Get a FREE 20-minute strategy session with Marnie here.

make room for people who value you

Quest for Love: Make Room for People Who Value You

This post is the 6th in a series. To start at the beginning of the series, click here.

Recently, I was talking to a client who has a decent size network marketing organization. She has people in her front line spots who aren’t performing. She’d really like to get them motivated to work the business or at least convince them to let her buy them out of their spots. These individuals have been a constant source of angst and stress for her.

I couldn’t help drawing a parallel between her dilemma and my dating history.

I spent the bulk of the last two years, attempting to convince men (who I thought were good for me) that they would be wise to commit and invest in a long-term relationship with me. No, I didn’t really realize that’s what I was doing at the time. But, I could see their spouse potential, just like my client could see the business potential in the individuals she’d placed on her front line.

Every month, this client finds herself placing orders for these people, propping them up so she can get her bonuses. They are constantly benefiting from her efforts while they invest very little. In the process, they are getting checks they haven’t earned, and she is completely frustrated by them not stepping up to the plate.

The problem is, as long as she props them up, they have no incentive to do their part. Why work hard when someone else will cover for you and you get consistent checks? (Hmmm… this sounds like another relationship I was in for way too long!)

I was doing the same thing in my relationships with men. I was over-investing. I was paying for flights to go see them. I re-arranged my schedule to be available when they wanted to see me or talk to me. I bent myself and my values to accommodate theirs.

In the end, not a single one of them were willing to invest in a long-term relationship with me. Why should they when I was doing all the work?

Finally, I got some sense through my head and realized that I had been undervaluing myself in a major, MAJOR way. I had been over-delivering with little in return.

Along with quite a bit of energy therapy, I crafted a series of affirmations that I began listening to daily. They infused me with the knowledge that I was a valuable woman. Any man who belonged in my life would easily be able to see that.

I was dating a fun guy at the time, but I knew he wasn’t really going to end up being a long-term relationship. As I started to listen to the affirmations, it became clearer that he was a transitional man for me. Interestingly enough, that relationship started to fade.

About 3 weeks after beginning to listen to the affirmations I decided to go on PlentyOfFish.com and fill out a profile.

For now, I was done hunting the right guy. Going on POF.com wasn’t about finding a mate, but about having a fun summer dating and getting out of the house. I figured if God wanted me to be married, he could bring me someone.

The first day I completed my profile, I got a message from a guy who was the son of one of my good friends from church. Chris Marcus reminded me who he was.

I easily remembered him because when I had a car wreck back in January between the high school and middle school, he was the first officer on the scene. He had introduced himself as my friend Morgan’s son. I immediately felt peaceful, knowing someone with whom I had a connection was on the scene. Interestingly, I felt that same sense of peace with him when he messaged me on the dating site. There was an immediate sense of trust.

I’d also met Chris once before at his mom’s house, for only a few minutes. Actually we grew up going to the same church together, and his mom was my Sunday School teacher when I was 10 and 11 years old. I didn’t remember him though. He was a couple years older than me. But he remembered me.

So, when I put myself on Plenty of Fish, he reached out, and we began conversing. We had a couple phone conversations and set up a date for that weekend.

What I found out later was Chris had actually been asking his mother about me for months. Each time he asked, “What about Marnie?” she’d reply, “She’s dating someone.”

While she had mentioned to me that he was single and his challenges with single life, she never once tried to set us up. So when he saw me on POF, he said, “I assumed if you were on there, you weren’t dating anyone, so I seized the window of opportunity while I had it.”

From that point forward, Chris pursued me. Not the other way around. He immediately saw my value and said, “I took myself off the market after the first date.”

Notice the contrast. I had been trying to convince men of my value by morphing myself or overly investing. In this new relationship I was being pursued by someone who verbalized that I was a “quality woman” and he was looking for quality.

As I was talking to my client, I realized she was doing the very same thing in her network marketing business. Just as Chris was waiting around for the right moment to ask me out, there are probably people just waiting to work with a person like my client. Just as I was filling up the “mate spot” with people who undervalued me, she’s wasting her time and effort focusing her energy on individuals who won’t invest.

make room for people who value youIn her organization she can actually add more front line spots. She’d be better off attracting people who value her and the opportunity. It would take a leap of faith, but I’d wager she’d be better off starting over with new front line spots than wasting more time and effort on people who have to be convinced that she’s offering something of value.

So I ask you…

  • What are you over-investing in?
  • What are you trying to make work that isn’t working?
  • What if you redeemed your energy from places and people that don’t value you and re-aligned your thinking?
  • What if you grasped your true value?
  • What if you made room for people and things that were worthy of you?

If you suspect you’re devaluing yourself and are serious about making a change, I’d love to work with you. Energy therapy is a great place to start.

About Marnie Marcus

Marnie (Pehrson) Marcus is a best-selling author and marketing and social media consultant specializing in digital content creation and Facebook Ad Management. Get a FREE 20-minute strategy session with Marnie here.